15 October 2008
I found my first pregnancy journal in an old box the other day. I recognized it right away and was anxious to read my pre-motherhood thoughts on raising kids. As I scanned the pages of ramblings, I realized something. All of my writing spoke of the pregnancy, my anticipation of having a baby for the first time, my excitement at this new stage of my life. I did not, however, see one sentence pertaining to raising the baby that I was about to bring into this world. My consumption with the joys and trials of a first pregnancy created ignorance to the impending role of “Mother.” I found myself chastising the younger me for being so short sighted.
Of course, that was quickly cured by the arrival of my baby. I like to refer to those first few weeks of motherhood as the “Shock and Awe” period. It was a blur of painful nipples, sleep deprived depression and the recurring thought that this was not what I signed up for! Those dreadful post partum feelings were compounded by Marlie’s colic and my husband’s return to work. Suddenly, this baby that I had longed to hold became a source of crippling fear. I was so deathly afraid to be alone with her. What if she stopped breathing, or couldn’t stop crying? All of those warm, fuzzy imaginings of what motherhood would entail, vanished and were replaced with the anxiety of reality.
I have to laugh as I think of how utterly foolish I was. In all fairness, it was not my fault. The classes and books all prepare you for pregnancy and giving birth, but they fail to cover how to parent these bundles of joy. Ten years later, I still learn something new about parenting every single day. Whether it is something I’ve never run across before, or a reminder of a lesson forgotten, there is never a day that fulfills all of my pre-motherhood fantasies. With all of this retrospection, I decided to go back and write the rest of that journal. I will call the first part, “Motherhood Fantasies” and the second part, “A Dose of Reality.” It will be given to my daughters when they are expecting their first child. Maybe it will make them realize that motherhood extends far beyond bottles and babies into hard work and unending worry. On the other hand, maybe I’ll just give it to them when they become teens, as birth control