14 December 2008
I have had many discussions with both of my parents regarding their divorce and the effect it had on my sisters and I. It is quite evident that they both regret certain things about their choices as parents. My dad regrets having a family despite suspecting that he was gay. However, being gay was widely frowned upon when he was a young man. He was raised in a conservative Christian family that never would have been able to grasp the concept of their son being anything other than a strong Christian husband and father. He is glad that he got to experience the joy of having children, but regrets the hurt he caused us when he chose to live his truth.
My mom looks back on our childhoods and is saddened that she was overly strict. Her own mother left my mom and her seven siblings when they were still young. As a result, my mother never knew what nurturing was. Her dad was too busy working three jobs to put food on the table. My mom is also sorry for not being home more after her divorce. She was trying desperately to fill the void and spent a lot of time chasing after something, anything to stop the pain. She found it at the country western bars, dancing the night away. Even though we were never neglected, she feels that she should have been home more to help us work through our own paid and sense of loss.
Talking with them about these regrets has made me realize something. Even though we love our kids tremendously, there are bound to be things that we later wish we had done differently. However, our choices are what shape our children. I was never abused, never left alone and always had my grandparents to help raise us. Because of these things, I am a better parent. Even the things that my parents regret help me decide what kind of parent I want to be. I have taken the things that positively influenced me and tried to implement them in my own family. Like wise, I have learned from the negative experiences and memories and let them serve as deterrents when I decide how to make parental decisions.
Sure, my childhood was not a cakewalk. I am glad that it wasn’t. Adversity makes us stronger. It brings out our true character and teaches us how to navigate the rough roads of life. I appreciate who my parents were, are and all that they did for us. Even though I’m sure they do not see their ‘mistakes’ as being a good thing, those are the things that have had an equal part in making me who I am today. For that, I am grateful.