6 ways they wind you up…
One of the unfortunate parts of being a parent is that you can’t give your kids everything they want. On top of that, you have to regularly ask them to stop doing things like whining and teasing and start doing things like chores and schoolwork. That means you end up frustrating your youngsters on a daily basis.
When you’re driving them around the bend they have two choices. They can co-operate, suck up the frustration, and reap the rewards of their good behavior. Or they can try to get what they want and avoid discipline by confusing and sidetracking you. Supernanny expert Dr Thomas Phelan, clinical psychologist and expert on child discipline, advises parents to watch out for these six ways of winding up mom and dad:
1. Badgering
“Mom, please! Just this once. Just this once!” The kid who badgers will keep after you with no let up, trying to wear you down with repetition. “Just give me what I want and I’ll shut up” is the underlying message. Badgering can be especially effective when used in public! Try what you will to explain, reassure or distract, you are likely to end up going on a verbal wild goose chase searching for the right words to satisfy your child.
2. Intimidation
Younger kids may hit Mach 4 on the tantrum scale; older kids, with better language skills, may try to argue with your reasoning and generally complain and even curse to try to get their way. Some kids trash their rooms. Knowing he has an audience is likely to prolong the tantrum.
3. Threats
Whose child hasn’t threatened to run away from home? The message is clear: “Give me what I want, or else…”! Some threats can be terrifying for parents. What do you do if your child threatens to kill himself, for example? Is he just manipulating you or is there a serious problem? Ask yourself these questions: Is he generally happy? Does he enjoy life most of the time, have friends, do OK at school and fit in the family well? And is this threat something he uses a lot of the time? If the answers are positive it’s unlikely to be a serious threat. But if there are issues that may be depressing your child, such as poor marks at school or even bullying, speak to your family physician and your child’s school guidance counselor.
4. Martyrdom
If you child chooses to be a martyr, holding her breath until she’s blue in the face, trying to get her own way by refusing to eat her dinner, or sulking in her room while everyone else moves on from whatever caused the argument in the first place, it’s a ploy to make you feel guilty. Your kid knows that you want her to be happy, safe and healthy. It may not take her long to work out that acting hurt and deprived can be a handy way of influencing the way you discipline her.
5. Buttering up
With this tactic, your child tries to get her own way by making you feel good. Anytime you hear the words, “I think I’ll go clean up my room,” without any prompting from you, that’s a red flag! Even more so if it’s followed by, “Then I’ll sweep the yard.” The message here is that mom and dad will feel bad for denying their child what she wants after she’s been so sweet and co-operative. It’s basically an advance set-up for parental guilt. Is your kid only nice to you when she wants something? You have been warned!
6. Getting physical
Using physical aggression to try to get their way is common in younger kids who don’t have well-developed language skills, but when an older, bigger kid is using this method of persuasion it can be pretty scary. Some kids can get quite ferocious, kicking, biting and hitting while screaming at the top of their lungs.
What’s going on in there?
So just what are your kids trying to accomplish with all these maneuvers and how do they think the process will work? The first four tactics: badgering, intimidation, threats and martyrdom, share a common dynamic. Your child is pretty much saying, “Mom, Dad, you’re not giving me what I want and I don’t like it. So I’m doing things you don’t like. Now that we’re all wound up, I’ll make you a deal: you call off your dogs and I’ll call off mine.
If you do give in, your child’s testing and manipulation will stop immediately. But what’s the catch? It’ll effectively mean your kids are the boss of you!
The reality is that if your child is regularly using one of these testing methods it’s because he has found it succeeds for him – it gets him what he wants or it supplies a satisfying sense of revenge even if you don’t give into him. The answer is to stick to your guns so your child learns it isn’t worth probing for your weak spot – because you don’t have one. And keep your cool!