Understanding your tween
The ages 8-12 can be such a challenging time, yet it is puzzling how little advice exists for parents of tweens. On the plus side, tween-age children usually do want to please their parents, and most love spending time with their families. Parents should try to make the most of this before the teen years kick in…
The downside
Some behaviors in this age group can be challenging and difficult for parents. A child who may have been perfectly happy for parents to make most of the decisions, suddenly develops a strong will of his own. A placid, friendly child suddenly becomes moody and snaps at parents over the least thing. If you really enjoyed the baby and young child days, this can be a difficult adjustment!
For kids, it’s an experimental time – they’re working out what sort of teenager and young person they’re eventually going to become. Many parents say their children seem to be teens at 10
Understanding the effects of adolescence
Puberty, the start of adolescence, is now taking place earlier than in previous generations. By the end of primary school, many children will experience physical and emotional changes such as breast development or mood swings, and several girls in a class may well have started menstruation. It is also now well-established that the brain changes during the teens and pre-teen years, which makes some tricky behavior inevitable – so bear this in mind and try not to take any acting up too personally.
The growing influence of peer groups
From age 10 or so, the influence of friends may gradually become greater than that of parents. The clothes kids wear, the hobbies they enjoy, the music and films they like must all meet peer approval – nothing is more important than feeling like they ‘belong’. As a parent, it’s easiest to let this happen without too many battles. Your child will be making choices as a teenager soon enough, and there’s no sense in getting caught up in major rows if he wants to start now. This is still the time to shop together, but allow your child more say over what he wants, within reason – don’t just enforce your own tastes.
Why do kids become so ornery?
As a parent, you may feel really confused over just how stubborn your child may become. He’s likely to refuse to do things you ask, or will seem really hostile. It sometimes seems like they hate you – and they may even say this – but it’s a temporary love-hate situation that represents their confusion and resentment of the power you have over them. Like toddlers, they’ve become aware of increasing independence and their widening range of choices. They say “no” simply because they can! Your child can also use his more advanced language, not just to negotiate sensibly with you but to deliberately deceive you, or to answer back defiantly or rebel against your control.
If you can, put yourself in your child’s shoes. Life is tougher for older kids – they’re no longer seen as ‘cute’ and expectations on them to behave are much greater, which can be stressful.
Top 5 tween behavior problems
1 Not listening He’ll either tune you out or brush you off.
2 Backchat and a bad attitude He’ll become fluent in talking back and sulk like there’s no tomorrow.
3 Refusing to obey He’s likely to throw a fit when asked to do something.
4 Bad language You didn’t know you raised a bilingual kid, did you? You’re about to find out!
5 Secrets and lies He’ll become secretive, and fib to avoid consequences
Top 5 parenting solutions
1 Speak quietly and calmly Avoid the nagging that kids simply tune out. Make eye contact and show by your tone and body language that you mean what you say.
2 Be clear about what’s acceptable Remember that some of his behavior is connected to a desire to try out adult roles and feel more independent. Stand firm on what you want from him but always make an effort to speak politely and respectfully.
3 Set fair boundaries Think about whether the behavior you expect is fair and age appropriate. Could you be flexible or negotiate? Is it time to review rules?
4 Watch your own language! State clearly if your rule is that no swearing is allowed, and what sanctions will follow.
5 Respect his privacy Respect your tween’s increasing need for privacy and independence as he grows – he may not want to tell you everything, and insisting on this can lead to lies. Explain why lying is wrong and stress that you value honesty.