When Teens Test Their Boundaries
You may have thought you’d left the tantrum stage behind when your child outgrew the terrible twos but brace yourself: you’ve still got tween terror and teen mean in the not-too-distant future. In fact, the tween and teen years aren’t unlike toddlerhood: your child is testing his boundaries and working out just how much he can get away with.
The big difference is that you’ll be disciplining someone who might be a couple of feet taller than you instead of thigh-high – and Supernanny’s tried-and-tested naughty mat won’t really be an option! Hulking great teens can be pretty intimidating but don’t lose sight of the fact that it is still your job to guide your child into behaving appropriately and making the right decisions.
1. Go easy on first offenses
I believe in going lightly on disciplining our daughter for most first offenses that don’t put her personal safety in jeopardy. We try to turn it into a learning experience by saying something like, “OK, you blew it. Let’s talk about what we can learn from this.” During these discussions, we also inform her – in very clear language – what the consequences will be for a second offense. So far, it’s worked for us.
2. Listen to your teen
Teenagers need limits communicated clearly to them and enforced consistently by you. But it’s also important to listen carefully to them when it comes to disagreements. Teens need to at least feel as though you’re trying to see where they’re coming from even if you don’t agree with them. One strategy that has helped my teens understand me is the question, “How would you feel if you were me?”
3. Be the parent, not the buddy
Let your teens know you won’t tolerate dangerous situations like drugs, drinking, underage sex, etc. You’re here to guide them to adulthood, not to be their best friend – so make it clear that you’re not afraid to take control of them if they get out of control. Teens want to test the world, but their security and safety should be paramount.
4. Make the punishment fit the crime
Whenever our teenage daughter got mad, she’d stomp into her room and slam the door as hard as she could. We repeatedly asked her to stop beating up on the unfortunate door but she didn’t. So the next time she did it we took her door off its hinges. She did without it for a week and when we re-hung it she never slammed it again. On another occasion my son’s primary defence for his latest transgression was “But Dad, I didn’t know it was against the law!” Part of his punishment was to write a lengthy essay on the law which had to include one or more of the ten commandments, the California criminal code, and, in this case, the city’s curfew law.
5. Try it their way
It’s important to recognize that kids often have better solutions to certain situations, including their own discipline, than we do. Next time you butt heads agree to try it their way for a week and then re-evaluate the situation. It promotes respect between you and encourages your teen’s critical thinking skills.
6. Reach a compromise
If you and your teen are at loggerheads about something, try thinking of creative solutions together. For example, if he plays his music too loud but doesn’t want to lower the volume, suggest he use headphones.
7. Use the right words
Some words cause a defensive response. Teenagers, like all of us, respond more positively to words that inspire empathy instead – for example, if I tell my kids how “angry” I am because they were late coming home, they usually get very defensive. However, if I tell them how “worried” and “frightened” I was when they were an hour past curfew, they seem genuinely more understanding of my feelings and more apologetic for their actions. Aim to use words that promote communication instead of destroying it, even when we’re upset – it improves your chance of getting the point across to your kids.
8. Tone it down
If I have to confront one of my teens or discuss a touchy subject with them, I always try to remember that it’s not what you say but how you say it. Think about it: if you bounce a ball against the wall it’ll bounce back at you with the same velocity that you threw it!
9. Keep communicating
One of the worst things that can happen to a family is when two or more members stop talking to each other. As a parent, always try to keep the channels of communication open. Keep talking and trying to understand each other. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling that it’s your teen’s turn to make amends – no one wins these kinds of battles and they can go on for days, months, and even years. As long as you talk it through there’s a chance you can resolve the issue.
10. Take note
When feelings are volatile, write your child a note instead of talking. This gives you both space to take your own time in digesting information on your own terms and in your own space.