Make a man of your boy…
Perhaps the most sensible way to start this advice column would be to begin with your definition of what makes a man, not mine! If you consider manhood to be brawls, booze and big muscles then you won’t learn a single thing from me… on the other hand, if you include qualities like courage and kindness your definition will respond to my views even if I express them differently.
Give him a goal
If you’d like your son to live a life of honor and ethics, to care for and respect his family, friends and fellow man, and seek to better his world then we have many of the same goals. Without agreement on a goal, any effort you make is likely to be worthless so work out a definition and stick to it. Tell your boy what you think a man is: read books and relate the lesson of each book to one of your goals for him. Start early, even before he really understands.
Let him use his judgment
When my son was 12 or so he took it upon himself to defend his poor mom from a cranky parking attendant: “Don’t shout at my mom,” he cried. I forced myself to stay calm and let my son protect me – he learned to feel like a man that day, and sure enough he grew into a fine man who protects his wife, his kids and his country too. The lesson of that day, which I pass along to you, is to let your boy do what he knows is right and don’t stand in his way – and it’s a very important lesson for a mother to learn.
Accept his differences
Over the years, my son and I learned to be proud of each other in many ways. I often emphasized that there were parts of me, as a woman, that he would never understand – just as I couldn’t understand some aspects of him. We learned to accept each other without understanding.
Don’t over-confide in him
Single moms tend to confide more in their kids, in the absence of a partner to share things with. But don’t share your innermost feelings with your son: don’t turn him into a friend or treat him like a daughter.
Talk up men!
Whatever you do, don’t beat up on men even if they’ve treated you badly – your son needs to build some male pride. If your husband works too many hours or travels too much, just complain to your girlfriends and get busy with hobbies or work of your own. Consider always that your son must want to be an intrinsic part of the world of men and be proud he is one of them. You undermine that when you complain to your son about his dad or other men. Instead, consider the positive qualities of the adult men in your life, and emphasize them. This balance is what wise moms do for their sons – for example, I knew a woman whose ex-husband was in jail but to her son she always stressed his dad’s love for books and learning.
Even now that my son has grown into manhood with success and responsibilities that he’s handling wonderfully well, I speak of his father (long ago divorced from me, and now passed) as a brilliant man: a great dad with a wonderful wit. My son will always need that connection to his past.