Bullying by stealth…
It’s a fact: girls tend to bully differently from boys. To put it simply, they use different ‘weapons’, often more psychological than openly aggressive.
All the evidence seems to suggest that boys experience bullying, and bully, in a more physical way, hitting and kicking more. Girls tend to use more indirect and emotional aggression. They leave each other out when they’re playing, send nasty messages or write nasty graffiti. “In our experience, girls are often socialized to be less direct than boys and discouraged from being physical,” says Irene van der Zande, Executive Director/Co-Founder of Kidpower and a Supernanny expert. “As a result, when girls want to express frustration or experiment with ways of asserting their power, they tend to do this using relational or psychological techniques instead of overt aggression.”
How girls bully
Tween and teen girls tend to be more articulate than boys their age and one of their main bullying styles of choice is verbal – the kind of name calling that can lead to a huge drop in confidence and self-esteem in their victims. Social exclusion is another common ways for girls to bully.
Why do it differently?
There are a number of theories explaining just why girls bully in this way. One is that from an early age girls are encouraged to be emotional rather than physical. Another possibility is that their better verbal skills mean they can choose to be nasty with words rather than fists. Another may be that verbal bullying is simply not as obvious and identifiable as physical – if a child is being left out or has become the subject of rumors and tale telling, it’s often simply dismissed as a temporary falling out among friends.
The impact of new technology
Yes the Internet can be great, as can text messaging and social networking groups. Unfortunately, they can also be used negatively, as many girls have found. Social networking sites are hauling girls into ‘virtual gangs’ from which they can exclude less popular kids, while cellphones and instant messaging are new tools to bully with.
Cyberbullying (bullying by media and communication devices) is certainly on the increase – and girls are at the forefront. Recent research indicates that among girls bullying by cellphone has increased each year since 2002 (with boys, the pattern is less clear). Parents, teachers and other responsible adults who care for children need to be aware that a child’s cellphone or computer isn’t just a communication tool – it’s also a way for a bully to reach a child in their own home.
How you can help
- Boost your child’s self-confidence Praise her and let her know you love her. She may withdraw into herself, but she still needs to know she’s valued.
- Don’t be scared to complain Speak to her teacher and the school principal. “Insist that your daughter’s school makes it clear that this kind of bullying is against the rules,” says Kidpower’s Irene van der Zande. Mention the problem to your pediatrician too, if your child seems very low – long-term bullying can lead to depression and anxiety.
- Be alert to changes in your child’s behavior as bullying by girls can be difficult to recognize.
- Get her classmates on board to stop bullying “Ask all the students in your daughter’s class or all members of her friendship group to make written contracts not to gossip, exclude, or badmouth others,” says Irene van der Zande.
- Engage with your child She may know more than you when it comes to the Internet, but you can still show an interest. Try and understand what she’s doing, ask what social networking groups she belongs to and make it obvious you’re there if needed. Let her know that some of the social networking sites will allow her to block unwelcome visitors.
- Help her form new friendships “Get involved with social groups away from your child’s school or any setting where bullying has taken place,” says Irene.
- Don’t overreact Don’t ban her from the computer or take away her cellphone – just warn her of the risks.
- Encourage your child to share her feelings Journaling can help relieve pain and increase awareness, says Irene van der Zande: “Encourage your daughter to write her experiences and feelings down – bear in mind that putting things into writing can also help document the problem.”
- Help her distance herself “Teach your daughter how to adjust her emotional distance from people who are acting in emotionally unsafe ways, how to make new friends, and how to be persistent in asking to be included,” says Irene. “Give her the chance to practice staying assertive, calm, and feeling good about herself while being rejected and help her to assess when it’s time to go away and find someone else to talk with.”