When kids get crushes

Growing concerns: kiddy crushes

Even young children can develop crushes on other children – are you worried your child might be getting a little ahead of herself when it comes to boys?

Too young for love?

Our 7-year-old daughter comes home every week announcing that she’s ‘in love’ with some boy. Since when do 7 year olds fall in love? And how should we respond so that she doesn’t end up being boy-crazy?       

Dr Erickson says…

You’re not the only parents who’ve worried about a child getting hooked on romance at too young an age – what you describe isn’t at all unusual. Children this age may have ‘crushes’ – or just enjoy spending time with another – but they often adopt the grown-up language of ‘being in love’. They don’t yet know the difference between liking someone and having romantic feelings, but they know what they hear in the world around them. And part of what’s going on with children this age is that they’re trying on all kinds of adult roles – just as they play at being firefighters, doctors or teachers, they play at being in romantic relationships.

You needn’t be concerned that your daughter shows an interest in boys at this age. Instead, ask yourselves how you can use this as a teachable moment. Unfortunately, many of the images of romantic relationships that children see – whether in the media or among real-life adults and teenagers – can fuel some very unhealthy attitudes. So it is up to parents to guide their children toward relationships based on genuine respect for self and others. Here are a few things you can do to begin this important teaching even at this young age…

• Help her work out the why Help your daughter begin to discover what she really likes in people. For example, when she tells you about her latest ‘love’, ask her what he’s like, how he treats people, what he likes to do and what makes him so interesting.
• Boost her sense of identity Help your daughter develop an identity that’s defined by more than what the boy of the week thinks of her. Guide her in finding things she does well, be it sports, the arts or academic subjects. There are many pressures on girls to equate success with superficial beauty, so it’s up to all of us adults to affirm girls in their competence and their willingness to take on new challenges.
• Show her what love means Finally, through your own relationship with your partner, help your daughter learn the real meaning of romantic love. Right now she’s role-playing in a very superficial way, as is typical of children her age. As she approaches adolescence, these little romances are likely to become more intense and prolonged, and by late adolescence she really will be practicing how to be in a loving adult relationship. What she sees and hears, even at the young age of 7, will help to shape the attitudes and expectations that drive her as she seeks true love in adulthood. The most powerful lesson you can give her is the example of a warm, respectful relationship between two strong individuals, committed to savoring the good times and working through the tough times.

 

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