Little white lies…
Honesty is highly valued by adults so when children lie this can cause real concern for parents. It’s common, however, to be unsure how to handle lying – parents may flit between lecturing their kids on it, ignoring it or meting out punitive consequences. What are the best ways of nipping lies in the bud and encouraging honesty?
Why do children lie?
All children lie occasionally but a variety of different reasons may prompt them to tell tales…
- It’s just an illusion… Very young children don’t understand the difference between what is and isn’t the truth. Therefore, preschoolers’ ‘lies’ often stem from innocent fantasy rather than deliberate deception. Children at this age frequently engage in ‘wishful thinking’: your little one says he didn’t hit his sister because he wishes he hadn’t, not because he’s deliberately fibbing.
- Avoiding consequences Children often lie in an attempt to hide something they know they’ve done wrong in order to avoid the shame of disapproval and the negative consequences they anticipate adults will impose.
- Evading the rules Lies may also be used by children to avoid the inconvenience of adults’ rules – for example, your child may lie about having completed her homework in order to be able to go out to play.
- Boosting self-esteem Children with low self-esteem may embellish the truth, brag or exaggerate in a bid to impress others or in an attempt to fit in with peers. Similarly, children who are feeling insecure may invent scenarios to try to get adults’ attention and interest.
If your child repeatedly lies to avoid discipline, perhaps the consequences you’re using are so harsh that your child is too afraid to tell the truth
How to encourage honesty
Never call your child a liar – negative labels such as this can erode self-esteem and could actually cause him to lie. Similarly, it’s not helpful to bring up past transgressions: “This is the third time you’ve lied about this”. The key is to be calm and make it clear you know your child has lied without demanding a confession…
- Don’t ask questions about behavior if you already know the answer! Trying to force your child to confess is rarely effective: most children (and adults) will lie to protect themselves when put on the spot.
- Say that you know he’s fibbing For a preschooler whose comments reveal a blurring of reality and fantasy, calmly tell them that you know what they’re saying is untrue: “I know you’d love a pet cat, so you were imagining we’d got five kittens?” If you catch your older child telling a blatant lie, tell him you know he’s not being honest: “I know that isn’t true. It’s normal to worry about telling the truth if we’re afraid we’ve done something wrong, but lying isn’t helpful. Let’s see what we can do solve the problem.”
- Describe the problem If you know your child is lying to avoid getting into trouble calmly describe the problem: “I see there are crayon marks on the wall – how can we sort that out?” If possible, avoid lecturing or criticizing your child as this tends to be counter-productive, leading to defensiveness and more lying
- Let him make amends For example, if you know he hasn’t gotten his backpack ready for school, don’t ask “Have you packed your bag?” because this will just invite a lie. Instead, briefly describe the problem: “I noticed your bag isn’t ready.” Or better still, invite him to take responsibility: “Please show me your bag when it’s packed.”
Why your child finds it hard to be honest
It’s important to think about why your child feels he needs to lie. Perhaps he lies about his grades because he’s feeling overly pressurized to achieve. Or if he repeatedly lies about his actions to avoid discipline, perhaps the consequences you’re using are so harsh that your child is too afraid to tell the truth. Remember that consequences are about teaching a child, not inflicting distress.
Once you’ve identified potential reasons for your child’s lying, encourage him to talk about any worries by calmly raising the issue in a supportive and warm manner: “It seems it’s really important for you to get good marks. Do you worry about disappointing us?”
Teach your child why lying doesn’t work
Teach your child about the importance of telling the truth and how lying can stop people believing them even when they’re being honest. A good way to do this is to read stories with your child which give a clear message that lying isn’t helpful – The Boy who Cried Wolf is an obvious example. It helps to take time after reading the stories to chat with your child about what he has learnt. Remember this should be relaxed and fun, not a morality lecture!
Respond with clear consequences
By around 6 years old, children are able to understand the difference between truth and lies – so if they lie to try to cover up something they’ve done it may be helpful to set consequences, both for the lying and for the behavior they’re attempting to conceal. Make it clear to your child that honesty will get your approval and mean they get off more lightly.
This approach means that if your child does something wrong he’s less likely to take the risk of covering up with a lie. Again, remember that consequences shouldn’t be overly severe as this may push your child to lie to protect himself.
Set a good example
Remember that children learn more through watching other people’s behavior than through any other form of direct guidance or discipline. Unfortunately this means that if you’re prone to being economical with the truth, be it mouthing “I’m not in” when your mother-in-law rings, or by taking a few years of your child’s age when buying a movie theater ticket, you’ll inadvertently be teaching your child that lying is acceptable.
Praise honesty
Always be encouraging and positive whenever your child tells the truth and praise him for being honest: “Thank you for telling me you broke the glass. I really like it when you’re honest”.
If your little one is going through a phase of frequent lying, set up a reward chart so that he gets a sticker every day there are no lies. Agree in advance treats he’ll get once a certain number of stickers have been gained.