You need friends…
Whether it’s the conspicuous lack of invites to parties or spotting your little one sitting all alone in the playground, friendship problems sparks huge anxiety for parents. To a certain extent it’s right to be concerned if your child has trouble making friends, as friendships are fundamentally important for his emotional wellbeing and self-confidence. However, do bear in mind that all children have friendship blips from time to time and remember that your child’s limited friendships are only really a problem if he’s unhappy. Some kids are perfectly content having just one friend or are quite happy spending a lot of time on their own.
Try not to make too much of a big deal about your child’s social circle (or lack of it) as he may feel he’s disappointing you, which could make him more anxious and worsen the problem. Instead, try to conceal your concerns, convey the confidence that things will improve and focus on following these practical strategies…
Listen to your child’s worries
If your child tells you that other children won’t let him play or shares other worries about friendships, listen to him and let him know you take his concerns seriously and are on his side.
- Don’t play down his fears Instead, validate his feelings: “It’s OK to feel sad if the other kids won’t let you join in.”
- Avoid labels Whether your child is having difficulties with friendships because he’s quiet and reserved or because he’s overly boisterous and controlling, be careful of labelling him. Labels such as ‘bossy’ or ‘shy’ can be self-fulfilling and may trap your child in exactly the kind of role you want him to avoid.
- Talk to his teacher If it seems your child is being being bullied by his classmates raise your concerns with his teacher or activity leader.
Be a good role model
Children learn from watching others so your behavior can inadvertently influence how your child interacts with other children. For example, some children who have strict, controlling parents can find they get accused of being bossy; or if you feel anxious in social situations you may find your little one is also nervous.
- Be sociable Show an interest in new people you meet; be polite and friendly, listen to what they have to say and ask questions.
- Model social rules With friends, your partner and relatives, demonstrate the basic social rules, like sharing belongings, being considerate and thoughtful and compromising over decisions.
Use role play
Use role play as a fun way to help your child to learn to relate better in social situations. Role play helps children to rehearse how to deal with potentially anxiety-provoking situations and equips them with skills to help them feel more confident with friends.
- Practice meeting-and-greeting Teach your child how to approach a group, enter a conversation or begin an interaction. When he’s playing, approach him, pause and watch him play for a while, and then say something like: “Wow Josh, that looks fun. Do you mind if I play too?”
- Coach him in compromising Show responses to refusal and acceptance – for example, “Great, thanks, which pieces can I use?” or “OK, maybe another time.”
- Act it out You could also try role play with dolls, cuddly toys or puppets. Act out situations such as approaching friends in the play ground or inviting friends to start a game. Show your child how to respond by first playing the role of the child trying to make an approach, then swapping over.
Plan in play dates
If your child is repeatedly getting himself into trouble with friends, it’s easy to find yourself avoiding contact with other children through fear of negative reactions from other parents. This sets up a vicious cycle whereby your child has little opportunity to practice social skills and becomes increasingly isolated.
- Invite friends over Increase his opportunities for positive play experiences by inviting friends over. Choose outgoing kids with good social skills who will be good friendship role models.
- Structure visits Set up the visit so it has a clear purpose and structure. Plan with your child in advance a cooperative activity that he and the other child would like to do together, such as baking cookies, working on a craft activity, building a den or shooting hoops.
- Praise co-operative behavior and comment on how they are becoming good friends: “You two are working really well together! You make a perfect team.”
- Keep it brief to increase chances of success. Monitor your child and his friend closely and watch for signs of problems – if either is getting a little frustrated, take a break with a snack or change the activity.
- Solve disagreements together If you can see an argument brewing, coach from the sidelines. Define the problem and ask for solutions: “OK, we have a problem – there’s only one lightsaber and you both want to play with it. Do you have any ideas for how we can solve this?” Praise all attempts at problem solving.
Praise and reward social skills
Whenever your child is interacting well with other children praise the kind of social skills you want to see more of, such as sharing, taking turns, waiting, helping someone. Be specific: “I noticed you waited quietly for your turn even though you were itching to have a go. That was really patient of you!”
- Try a reward chart You may want to provide additional reinforcement for positive behavior by using a reward chart. Decide on a social behavior to work on, such as sharing or compromising. Focus on one type of behavior at a time.
- Clearly define good behavior when you interact with your child, framing the behavior in positive terms: “Josh waited patiently for his turn,” not “Josh didn’t grab things.” Agree on a small treat for when his reward chart is filled up.
If you’ve tried all these strategies but your child continues to have repeated conflicts with friends, is chronically unhappy about his lack of friends or shows absolutely no interest in relating to other people, it would be advisable to seek professional support from your pediatrician or a counselor.