Spanking: why it doesn’t work
So you spank your child… just every now and then and only when he really pushes you to the limit with his ‘bad’ behavior.
Hold your hand next to your child’s hand and compare the size. Then compare your child’s hand to the hand of a one-year-old. If that baby took his toy and your son hit the baby to stop him from doing so, what would you do? Is such hypothetical behavior aggressive violence?
In my view, whenever a bigger person hits a littler person it's aggressive violence. You don't leave a mark? Bravo! You’re controlled – and smart enough to avoid accusations of abuse. You never hit in anger? Ah, your spanking is a coldly calculated act. You model behavior that teaches your child that adults can hurt children deliberately. You want to effectively deter unwanted behavior in your child and teach him consequences? Can you find no way to do this other than spanking? How limited your knowledge of children and parenting skills must be!
Corporal punishment is the use of physical pain in response to undesirable behavior. Spanking, which is just one form of corporal punishment, is defined as striking a child with the open hand on the buttocks or extremities to modify unwanted behavior without inflicting physical injury. Up to 90% of families report the use of spanking at least some of the time and I’ve rarely met a parent who doesn't admit to at least one swat across the behind (me too!). But I oppose spanking for the following reasons…
It sends the wrong message…
Spanking gives a child this message: it's OK for big people to hit little people. I abhor this message, especially today, when violence pervades our culture. You don't hit your boss or a colleague to effectively deter unwanted behavior do you? Why hit a child? Spanking models aggressive behavior as a method of resolving conflict and is associated with increased aggression in children.
It doesn’t teach self-control…
Even if a spanking does get the child's attention, parents must remember that discipline has two goals. The first is to stop the child from doing something dangerous, hurtful, or annoying – compliance right now. The second goal of discipline is to teach the child how human beings behave when the parent is not around – self-control in the future. An angry or hurting child isn't learning effectively. Although spanking may result in immediate cessation of a behavior, spanking isn’t effective as a long-term strategy. Also, repeated spankings may result in agitated and aggressive behavior in a child, and reliance on spanking often makes other discipline strategies harder to use.
It damages your bond…
Spanking – and ‘verbal spankings’, like put-downs – makes the child dislike the parent, perhaps only temporarily. But this takes away the best thing parents have going for them when it comes to getting kids to behave: the child's loving desire to please the parent they love.
Spanking children under 18 months can not only cause physical injury, but the child is too young to understand the connection between the punishment and the behavior. Spanking older children often escalates in frequency or severity, when the child's perfectly normal, though obnoxious, behaviors become more troubling to the parents.
And spanking breaks the 11th Commandment: Respect thy children so they will learn to respect themselves, you, and others. We don't hit or hurt those we respect.
It doesn’t work…
Spanking doesn't work. If the undesirable behavior persists or recurs, in order to maintain the initial effectiveness of the spanking, parents have to increase its severity – which can escalate into abuse. One study compared 3 year olds who didn’t comply with a time-out, half of whom were spanked and the other half kept behind a low barrier. Spanking wasn’t any more effective in correcting the child's misbehavior than the barrier.
Spanking isn’t the only method of discipline that establishes parental authority, acts as a deterrent to undesirable behavior, or gets a child's attention. I’m convinced it is an impoverished viewpoint that holds that nothing short of hurting the child will teach the child who's boss. There are many more effective discipline strategies that parents can learn to use. I teach parents four simple strategies:
- Know yourself Understand your own feelings about discipline, and if you’re ever so angry you want to spank, take a parental time-out.
- Know your child Read about child development so you have an idea about what to expect from your child. Spend time with your child so you can understand and work with your child's personality and temperament.
- Take charge Accept your responsibility and let your child know you’re in charge – it's your job to be in charge.
- Learn effective discipline techniques Parents who understand and follow these suggestions can discipline their children without spanking.
How not to spank your child
OK, you've seen the light. You want to become a reformed spanker. But how? I have four steps for you, eight less than Alcoholics Anonymous, all easy to practice and pretty easy to put into effect…
1 Commitment
You must want to change your behavior. Of course you don't want to physically hurt your child. You don't want to lose control. You don't want to give your child the message that it's OK for big people to hit little people.
2 Childproofing
You childproof your house not only to keep your child safe but also away from temptation. If your child can’t reach the computer, you won't have to spank him for pulling down the keyboard and breaking it.
3 Calming techniques
Most parents today need a crash course in stress reduction. I know when I was stressed-out I was more apt to lose control with my kids (I was a screamer, not spanker but neither one is good for children). Try these tactics:
- Take a parental time-out when you feel you’re about to lose it. Put the kids in a safe place and go to your room to cool off.
- Do a one-minute anti-stress exercise Sit in a quiet place and take deep breaths, concentrating on your breathing.
- Take a two-minute stress break Set the timer, lie down on the floor (so you won't fall asleep) and do nothing but deep breathing. By the way, children as young as 2 can do this with you. “Mommy's tired. Let's take a stress-break together.” Show the child how you breathe deeply.
- Practice visualization Set the timer for as much time as you have – five minutes is good but two will work. Close your eyes and visualize yourself in the calmest, most beautiful place you can think of.
4 Control
Here comes the hard part. Most of us spank quickly and in anger (and spend the rest of the day regretting it). When you feel the anger rising, count slowly to 10. Hold your hands behind your back so they can't do anything and ask yourself what alternate methods of discipline will work.
Keep telling yourself that spanking is wrong but don't turn into a parent wimp – just find other ways of getting your kids to mind. And don't feel guilty about past swats. Just about all of us admit to at least one swat per child.
One last tip: if you can’t stop and the spanking is escalating, call Parents Anonymous.