Settling your adopted child

Growing concerns: helping an adopted child settle

Your adopted child brings his history with him – and if it was traumatic it can affect how fast and how well he settles into his new family…

How can we get our adopted son smiling?

Four months ago we adopted a 2-year-old boy. He often wakes up crying in the middle of the night, his moods are unpredictable, and even when he's not fussing or fighting, he rarely smiles. We have given him a stable, loving home, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Is there anything more we can do to help him settle?

Dr Erickson says…

The arrival of a new family member is a challenge and a big adjustment under any conditions but your situation poses some special issues. You don’t mention anything about the circumstances of the adoption. Was he removed from an abusive home? Did he lose his parents through death? Was he in a foster home and now has ‘lost’ those parents as a result of his placement with you? Or was he perhaps moved from place to place without any opportunity to form strong relationships?

Whatever his history and whatever the circumstances of the adoption, this little boy brings that history with him. In the first two years of life, children normally are building a sense of trust through their attachments to the adults who love and care for them. When that doesn’t happen, it can take much time and patience to gradually establish that sense of trust. Four months is really not a very long time to undo what happened during the first two years of life. If his experience tells him that people disappear after a while – or that they can’t be counted on to care for him – then he may be very slow to trust in the love you offer him. His crying in the night is an opportunity for you to reassure him that you’re there for him.

Beyond the psychological effects of his life history, it’s possible that there are physiological effects as well. Poor nutrition, substance abuse by his parents prior to or during the pregnancy, and the general quality of care he received can have an impact on his behavior. Your pediatrician or family physician can work with you to carefully monitor your son's development, making sure that any problems are identified and addressed as early as possible.

Some of what you’re seeing in your son also reflects his developmental stage. Most 2 year olds are moody and unpredictable. They’re going through rapid changes in motor skills and language ability, and are learning what they can and can’t do. They swing from wanting to be big and all-powerful to wanting to just curl up and be little babies. It will take time for your son to learn what’s expected of him and to know that you will be there to love and guide him.

All parents need support to see them through the ups and downs of their children's development. And adoptive parents need and deserve special support to address their unique issues. I suggest you contact your adoption agency or a mental health agency in your community and ask about resources for adoptive parents. Many communities offer support groups or can link you with national networks that provide information and support specifically for adoptive parents.

 

 

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