How to handle a bossy child

Who’s the boss?

When your toddler or preschooler tells you to get her some chocolate milk now you’ll probably be tempted to laugh. You might even watch fondly as she shows her kid brother or sister the ‘right’ way to do things, thinking what a great teacher she is. You might well think it’s just a little bit of personality coming through, and it’s natural in a child this age: after all she’s getting to the stage where she’s had enough of other people telling her what to do and she wants some control herself.

A bossy child is usually an assertive one, and assertiveness can be an asset as your child grows. Help her polish her communication skills and see all points of view, and that bossiness could turn into solid leadership skills

Fast forward five years or so and you could be stuck with a tween who’s gotten her way for so long that you’re no longer in control of her behavior and attitude – and that’s simply not going to work, because your child doesn’t have the wisdom or experience to take charge. Plus, there’s a danger that bossiness could affect your child’s friendships – after all, what kid is going to want to spend time with a friend who keeps telling them what they can and can’t do and has a meltdown if things don’t go her way – and develop into bullying. So what can you do to take back the power?

Tips to tone down bossiness

• Pay less attention Young children love playing to an audience, so don’t encourage her by laughing at her. Even negative attention is still attention, so don’t tell her off either.
• Don’t follow orders If your child is making demands of you don’t do what she says just for a quiet life – tell her to make her requests in an appropriate manner.
• Supervise playdates to make sure your child isn’t laying down the law to her friends. If she is being bossy, take her aside to tell her (don’t embarrass her by telling her off in front of her friends). Alternately, work out a signal you can use, such as tapping her on the shoulder.
• Get her to ease off helping her younger siblings, especially if you notice them becoming more passive because they’re getting so used to her taking over, by telling her that they need to do things for themselves in order to learn.
• Limit competition If your child’s bossiness is a real issue, try to avoid letting her play competitive games and sports.
• Teach her how to ask nicely for what she wants. Demanding things can be a hard habit to break, so practice phrases your child can use to ask for things politely.
• Defuse power struggles by offering as many choices as you can – that way when your child opts for one of them she’ll feel she had a say in the matter instead of feeling that you’re bossing her about.
• Model respectful communication Think about the way you ask for things – you’re your child’s first teacher and it’s possible that her bossiness could reflect the way that you relate to her. Even though you’re in charge it pays to be polite to your child so she’ll use her manners when she deals with her friends – and with you.

 

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