Why is my child so angry?
If your child seems to be angry most of the time it’s likely she’s feeling misunderstood, falsely accused, unfairly treated or insecure – or all of those things! It’s common for anger to conceal other more vulnerable feelings, and angry outbursts often reflect more than just what has happened in the immediate situation.
The analogy of a volcano captures the way in which difficult feelings (frustration, hurt and injustice) can build up inside over time, with pressure accumulating to the point that a minor annoyance can easily trigger your child to erupt. So is there anything you can do to help her manage her rage and express it less explosively? Follow this 5-step plan…
1 Increase her emotional awareness
The more you can encourage your child to express difficult feelings, the less likely it is that her emotions will build up and overflow into angry explosions.
What to do
Improve your child’s ‘emotional literacy’ by talking to her as often as you can about anger and other feelings. As frequently as possible try to refer to your own and other people’s feelings, and guess at, reflect back and question your child’s feelings: for example, “That man on TV looks annoyed” or “Your sister is ‘stupid’? I wonder if you’re feeling cross that she interrupted our special time together.”
2 Stay calm
Children are like barometers for the emotional climate around them: if you’re stressed, they will be too, if you’re relaxed, so will they be.
What to do
Schedule in some me-time for yourself on a regular basis – if you get to recuperate once in a while, it’ll be much easier for you to respond calmly to your child’s meltdowns. Calm responses will help contain your child’s anger while angry ones will make your child more enraged. Remember that the way you manage your own angry feelings will impact on how your little one deals with his.
If it’s difficult to get time alone because you can’t afford a sitter, see if other local parents might want to try a reciprocal babysitting arrangement. But whatever you do, if you’re feeling really wound up don’t forget that time outs are useful for adults as well. Make sure your child is safe and remove yourself from the situation. Breathe deeply and slowly and repeat the manta: “keep calm!”
3 Accept her feelings
Dismissing difficult feelings (“Hey, it’s not a big deal – calm down”) can be counterproductive; your child will be left simmering about both the original source of frustration as well as not being understood. The secret is to accept and acknowledge your child’s angry feelings so she feels more understood, less in need of trying to convince you of her standpoint and therefore calmer.
What to do
Identify and name the feeling that’s behind your child’s rage – for example, “Are you upset because Cody took your toy?” or “are you disappointed because we have to leave now?” Show understanding by guessing at your child’s wishes: “You’d like it if your brother asked you before borrowing your stuff?” or “wouldn’t it be great if we could stay longer?”
4 Redirect angry actions
Children don’t have very good impulse control and need to be guided in how to express intense emotions in an appropriate way. In a sense, you’re training her in how to find better ways to solve her problems that a totally unproductive tantrum which just ends up with her being punished.
What to do
Encourage appropriate expression of feelings or problem solving – for example, “ Why don’t you show me how you’re feeling by... using words/drawing a picture/hitting this cushion/ripping up this scrap paper.”
5 Be clear about consequences
Your child needs to learn that although anger is OK, aggressive behavior isn’t.
What to do
Get down to your child’s level and, using a calm but firm tone which indicates displeasure, clearly tell her what he has done wrong, without shouting at her: “Ashley, it is not OK to hit your brother” If she stops behaving aggressively, give her lots of praise. If, however, she continues her inappropriate behavior after you’ve given a warning, impose a clear consequence, such as the naughty step or withdrawing privileges.
If you’re worried about the escalating nature of your child’s anger and nothing works over a period of weeks or months, there may be underlying issues which require professional help. Speak to your pediatrician about arranging counselling for your child.