Growing concerns: when teasing hits home
When they reach the age where their friends’ opinions start to matter more than anything, children can grow self-conscious about siblings with special needs…
Coming to terms with a special needs sibling
We recently moved to a small town where our 7-year-old son entered second grade. Initially he seemed excited about the new friends he made and even invited some boys over after school. However, now he refuses to have anyone over because he’s embarrassed about his 4-year-old brother, who has Down syndrome. Apparently the other kids teased him about his brother after they came over, and now we’re not sure if we should push the issue or just let it go.
Dr Erickson says…
Kids can be cruel, and unfamiliarity is often at the root of the cruelty. But this situation presents you with a good opportunity to teach your son some important skills, raise awareness among his classmates and, in doing so, pave the way to a smoother future for both of your sons.
I’d suggest you start by helping your son learn and practice what to say when people tease him about his brother. Give him simple words and phrases to describe how Down syndrome affects his brother, and then use role play (with you playing the part of the teasers) to let him practice how to stay calm and positive even when people tease him.
It also would be wise to engage your son’s teacher in helping the class learn about individual differences and disabilities. In a small town there are fewer opportunities for children to be exposed to a wide variety of people, so teaching may need to be even more intentional than it would be in a more diverse setting.
You also could reach out to the parents of the boys who came to your home, letting them know that you’re trying to help the kids become more knowledgeable about and comfortable with your younger son’s disability. The other parents may know nothing about the teasing, and probably would be glad to help their sons develop a more accepting attitude.
As I’m sure you know, it’s common for brothers and sisters of children with special needs to feel a wide range of emotions about how their own lives are affected. At any point in time they may be embarrassed by how their sibling looks or behaves, sad that they don’t have a ‘regular’ brother or sister, angry about the special attention their sibling gets, or resentful about the need to take care of their brother or sister – even as they feel love and affection for him or her. It’s important to acknowledge that those feelings are natural and to allow your son to talk them through.
On a personal note, your question evokes strong feelings for me because of a young man with Down syndrome who has been a part of my family’s life for many years. My son sometimes babysat for this boy – I’ll call him Scott – and his brothers when they were young. When Scott entered high school, my son (then a senior) drove him to school every day and they developed a strong friendship that endured even through the years my son attended an out-of-state university. At my son’s wedding a few years ago, Scott was a member of the wedding party and gave the most moving toast at the groom’s dinner. And he was the last person off the dance floor after the wedding. Scott’s parents are quick to thank my son for what he has done for Scott. But I’m forever grateful for what Scott has done for my son – helped him develop compassion, genuine respect for individual differences, and appreciation for the warmth and joy that come from moving past superficial barriers to meet someone heart to heart. I’m confident that, with time, familiarity, and thoughtful adult guidance, the children in your son’s new school are in for some of life’s most valuable lessons.