"Supernanny has given me wings!”
“We may not be living as husband and wife anymore, but we’re still our kids’ mom and dad,” says Sara Manley. And she has done her very best not to lose sight of that through difficult times with husband John – difficult times that impacted hugely on their children’s emotions and behavior.
When Supernanny Jo Frost stepped in to lend a hand in helping the couple and their children come to terms with the changes in their home life, she felt that the whole family needed to take the next step. Both Sara and John knew in their hearts that Jo was right, even though letting go of their marriage was one of the hardest things they had ever done… to the extent that they hadn’t actually done it. Truth was, Sara says, they were living in a limbo. “John had left but hadn’t left,” she says. “He was living in his own apartment but coming to the family home for dinner and at weekends. Then he left to spend the night at his own place.”
It all added up to two mightily confused kids: was dad gone or not? And if he was, well why was he there so much? And if he was there so much why didn’t he just stay all the time? That couldn’t be, says Sara. “We weren’t getting along and it wasn’t a healthy atmosphere for the kids,” she explains. “In theory, the separation should have made things easier for me and the kids because the tension shouldn’t have been there.” But Sara had exchanged the tension between her and John for tension between her and the kids, who worked out their frustration by acting up. Max, 7, was particularly difficult and aggressive. With hindsight, Sara thinks her son took it out on her because he knew she wasn’t going anywhere. While he still tried it on with John there, it wasn’t as bad as his behavior when it was just mom.
“One of the really difficult things is that you know behavior is getting out of control but you feel so bad for what the kids are going through that you try to compensate by easing up on discipline,” Sara says. That’s one area where Supernanny set her straight on day one. “Jo impressed upon me that the things that were going on between us shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behavior and that we both still had to enforce boundaries – because it’s rules and routines that help children feel secure.”
Now that Sara and John are living separate lives, Supernanny’s same page technique has become a big part of tackling these problems. Jo Frost’s philosophy is that parents have to follow the same rules when it comes to discipline, follow-through and consequences – and if one parent is lax, it only sets up problems for the other. “John has the kids one might a week and has been great about managing any behavioral problems using the same methods as I do,” says Sara. “Maybe he lets them stay up a tad later, but that’s not a big issue!”
What that means in practice is that Max and Claire aren’t able to play Sara and John off against each other by telling one or the other, “But we’re allowed to do it at mom’s house…” And Sara appreciates it. “To an extent, John has less incentive than I do to keep a rein on bad behavior, since he only has the kids one night,” she says. “Obviously it’s a big deal to me because they spend more time with me, and if John was slacking off I would bear the brunt of it. It’s great that he is on the same page as me.”
One thing that often goes right out the window when parents split up is a child’s feeling of security. They may worry about where the parent who leaves will live, and whether they’ll get to spend time with them. All the countless things the absent parent did for them come into the equation: Who will read to me at bedtime? Who will give me my bath? Who will take me to school? And above all, a child’s perception that love is a constant is suddenly torn asunder – because if mommy and daddy don’t love each other any more, does that mean they might stop loving him?
It’s up to any parents going through what Sara and John did to reassure their children every step of the way. But if a marriage breakup happens under especially difficult circumstances it can be hard to rise above it all and not let the bitterness show. Throughout their problems, Sara and John did their best to remain civil and respectful of each other. “They had experienced difficult times when we weren’t getting along,” says Sara. “But they are the most important thing in the world to both of us – and something we have in common, which gives us a way to move forward – maybe not as a couple, but as parents of our two beautiful children who are proof positive that we had good times and did something right together.”
When Supernanny arrived, Sara was still feeling confused about why her life had taken this turn, and not sure what the future held. “Even though our relationship had broken down it was a constant in my life that I still clung to. I was fearful about what would happen without my marriage there as a crutch.” Supernanny helped her and John see that they needed to make a decision – and helped them do it in such a way as to reassure Max and Claire that they still had two parents who were very much a team when it came to their children.
And Sara feels she has now moved on – and that she’s blossoming. “I have more time to myself and I’m rediscovering me. I’d lost that part of myself under the wife and mom elements of my life. But now I go out, see my girlfriends – I get a time-out to be the person I was years ago.” And, folks: the garage is tidy – and is proving to be a big part of Sara’s new life. “John helped clear it out and I’ve set up a darkroom with the intention of starting a photography business out of my home,” she says. “I feel so positive and excited about the changes I know are going to come!”
The fact she feels she is in a good place right now has helped Sara reach a new understanding with John. “Despite all that happened we had good times that I remember fondly,” she says. “He’s still an important part of my life – and of course the kids’!” And the proof positive of that is going on in the background as Sara speaks: “It’s John’s birthday and he’s spending it here with us. We’re going to bake him a cake and celebrate!”