Coping with kids by yourself
Michelle Martinez is just one of many moms and dads separated by war and the fact that husband Sindo is a civilian contractor hasn’t make it any easier for her and their children to cope with the realities of long months apart and the daily worry about dad’s safety. As supernanny Jo Frost could see, it manifested itself in Michelle’s constant fear that Sindo might be hurt – or worse – and the kids being more clingy and acting up because mom was too distracted to give them the attention they needed.
All change…
If a parent spends long periods of time away from home – either due to work demands or deployment – it results in changes in behavior, family relationships, routines and responsibilities. These changes may challenge the family on every level – emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. Above all, the parent at home is essentially a single parent when it comes to raising – and disciplining – the children, and having to be both mom and dad, with no one on hand to share the no’s, can lead to a lot of problems.
Behavior issues
Both the parent and child may try to hide their real feelings in order to protect each other – and this can lead to a build-up of stress that results in them being constantly on-edge and overreacting to things that wouldn’t usually bother them. It’s common for kids to become more whiny and aggressive, for behavior to regress and grades to drop if a parent is absent for a long period of time, especially if their separation anxiety also includes the real fear that their parent might not come back – as with military deployment.
Discipline
If the parent who’s away was the main force in the family when it came to discipline, the fact the stay-behind parent is more casual – and easy touch as far as the kids are concerned – can lead to behavior problems with younger and older children. Mom or dad might think they should ease up on enforcing the rules in an attempt to make the separation easier on the children; older kids might find themselves essentially ‘co-parenting’ younger siblings, and having to lay down the law themselves, which may aggravate any sibling rivalry.
Staying in control
Preserving a degree of normality in the way you live your lives while your partner is away is easier said than done – but it can make a big difference when it comes to making life less traumatic for your children. How do you do it? Follow these tips…
1 Keep life predictable
Maintain your existing home schedule and house rules, as this will ensure consistency, which goes a long way to helping young children feel more secure.
2 Be patient
Expect a degree of disruption in doing chores and homework when a change affecting children occurs. Patience, understanding and providing extra help may be needed during this time.
3 Listen to their concerns
Be sensitive to your child’s needs during family separations – they need to know that missing their absent parent and feeling frustrated that he or she isn’t there is perfectly normal. Listen to them if they want to talk about mommy or daddy being away, and answer any questions they have in simple, age-appropriate terms – especially if your partner is deployed in the military, when matter-of-fact information can help reduce their anxiety. Being as upfront as you can with your child will help take away any confusion they may feel about why mommy or daddy isn’t there.
4 Manage angry outbursts
It’s natural for both you and your children to feel frustrated that mom or dad isn’t there but you need to reinforce the fact that there are appropriate ways to express those feelings without resorting to temper tantrums. Now isn’t the time to be lax when it comes to behavior – ignoring angry outbursts because you feel bad about disciplining your child at such a difficult time, and think that being easy on them will help them cope, will just result in more problems.
5 Protect your child
If your partner is deployed in the military, limit your child’s exposure to newspaper and TV reporting on the war. Disturbing images and scary headlines will increase their anxiety and worry. Watch how you yourself discuss your partner’s absence with other adults in the presence of your children – they might overhear conversations they don’t understand and which cause them to worry.
6 Don’t vent to your child
If you have a teenager, try to avoid relying on them for emotional support and expressing your concerns and fears to them when it should be the other way around. When you need to talk, do so to another adult: a family member, close friend, your clergyman or a counselor.
7 Keep up contact
If your partner is away for work purposes it can be really nice if they call every evening to say goodnight to your child and perhaps read a bedtime story over the phone. If your partner is deployed in the military, phone calls might not always be possible so encourage your children to write letters and draw pictures to send to their mom or dad.