When kids are caught up in divorce
According to statistics, two thirds of divorces occur in families where there are children under 18, and each year more than a million children are caught up in a new divorce. Still more kids see their co-habiting parents split up. Divorce and separation is becoming more and more common, with almost 50% of children growing up in single-parent households – yet the impact on children is still not fully recognised or addressed.
The impact on kids
The most important thing to recognise is that relationship breakdowns are a process, not a single one-off event. Children are affected by their parents’ separation for the rest of their lives, not just for the few months while the separation is taking place. From now on, all of family life will always be different.
Up to a quarter of children whose parents divorce experience emotional and behavioral problems: they’re more likely to do poorly at school, get involved in crime and substance abuse, and go through a divorce themselves in adulthood
Research tells us that children are distressed by their parents’ separation and for some, there are long-term consequences – up to a quarter of children whose parents divorce experience emotional and behavioral problems compared to 10% of children whose parents don’t divorce. However, that distress can be minimized as we now know that it’s not the separation itself that does the damage, but the way in which it’s done. The key factors that influence a child’s ability to adjust are the quality of contact with both parents and the level of conflict between them. The bottom line is that co-operative post-separation parenting is essential for children’s wellbeing.
Breaking the news
If at all possible, parents should tell their children together. It may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done in your life, but the calmer and more optimistic you can be, the better. You and your partner need to sit down and agree what you’ll say. Children need to know the basic facts – for example, ‘Mommy and Daddy aren’t happy together anymore, so we’re going to live apart’.
They also need to know what practical changes there will be and when – for example, ‘Daddy’s going to move to a house on his own in two weeks time’. Most importantly, they need to know that you both still love them and that they will continue to have a relationship with both of you.
Some children will have a thousand questions they want to ask, while others will be tearful and upset. Some will be angry and demand that you reconsider, while some will go quiet while they take in the news. A few will act as if they don’t care. As a parent, you need to be ready to accept and manage the initial response as well as the reactions that will come over the following weeks and months.
How children react
How your kids react will depend on their age and personality. With any age group there’s likely to be a huge sense of shock, confusion and anxiety. Even if children have been aware that Mom and Dad haven’t been getting on, they can still be extremely shocked to discover the relationship is finally over. They may also be very angry – after all, this is a decision that has been forced on them and there’s nothing they can do about it. What should you be on the lookout for depending on how old your child is?
- 0-4 years This age group is the most dependent on their parents, so fear tends to be their strongest emotion. Babies and small children won’t have the same understanding as a preschooler but may still pick up on the emotional tension in your home. Since kids this young may not be able to verbalize their feelings, they may leak out in behavior – for example, regressing to an earlier developmental stage, bedwetting, wanting a bottle, being clingy and difficult to settle at night.
- 5-8 years This age group has a better grip on reality than pre-schoolers but they may still be very fearful, particularly about losing the non-resident parent. They’re the age group most likely to struggle with split loyalties, as they don’t yet understand the complexities of relationships and split their world simply into goodies and baddies.
- 9-12 years Tweens still tend to think in terms of black and white and they’re most likely to take sides. They may be very angry about the injustice of the situation and look for someone to blame.
Tips to help your kids cope
- Reassure, reassure, reassure Children need to know that the separation is not their fault and that neither of you will stop loving them or leave them. You must actively encourage and support the ongoing relationship with both of you.
- Manage your own emotions In spite of the many difficult emotions that you’re struggling with, your children need to know that the world is still a safe place where their needs will be met. It’s OK to let your child know that it’s a difficult and painful time for you too, but remember that strong emotions are frightening to a child. And never do anything to damage their relationship with their other parent.
- Maintain routines and boundaries Where possible, keep life going the same as it has been: bedtimes, mealtimes, brushing teeth, house rules and going to school. External routines can help to minimise internal turmoil.
- Get help If you’re struggling to separate your parenting responsibilities from your feelings about separation or you’re really not sure how best to help your kids. make an appointment to see a counsellor.