Promoting a Healthy Relationship With Grandparents
Creating boundaries and clarifying your folks’ part in the family dynamic is an important way to promote harmony at home.
Step 1: Communicate
It might be fine for you to have your parents coming over every day to spend quality time with their grandchildren. But are you on the
same page with your partner? Perhaps he feels like they spoil the children, or even try to take over parenting duties.
Talk about it, outline a routine and stick to it. If your partner and you can agree on time with the grandparents, it will benefit your relationship, the children and the extended family ties in the long term.
And likewise, consult your kids’ grandparents to understand their needs. If they’re expecting to occasionally take care of the children, and they end up with them every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, they may feel overburdened, and taken advantage of.
"The most important tip that we can give to any parent is to make your needs known to your own parents. And if the children are old enough, have them make their own needs known to their grandparents," says Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, founder of the Foundation for Grandparenting.
Step 2: Understand customs – but meet in the middle
For many people, home life is a natural integration of children, parents, grandparents and even great-grandparents.
Even if your elderly parents share your home, understand that despite the strength of other family relationships your first loyalty is to your partner. If your partner has reasonable disagreements regarding extended family relationships, you should work together to find a middle ground.
Step 3: Write a childcare agreement
In a recent U.S. Census survey, 21 percent of the nearly 20 million preschoolers countrywide have their grandparents as primary caregivers. They provide over 15 hours of childcare a week on average, most often without pay.
Let them know what your approach is on everything from snack time, to TV, to discipline. Children respond to consistency and if their childcare providers spoil them — whether it is a babysitter, daycare or grandparents — or engage them differently than you, it can send a mixed message that may negatively affect their behavior.
The American Association of Retired Persons suggests grandparents and parents make a childcare agreement, so commitments and expectations are clear: "Without honest, open, and constant communication, the most enthusiastic grandparent caregiver could come to regret saying ‘yes’ to childcare. The most grateful parents could begin to make unreasonable demands. And the cutest grandchild could become too much for a grandparent to handle."
Other Supernanny resources may help you decide on the best approach to childcare.
Step 4: Put the kids first
When communicating with your parents or in-laws, keep the children out of it. They do not need to know about any tension that may have developed in these types of family relationships. It can be difficult for children to be put in the middle of situations they don’t understand.
Step 5: Make holidays less hectic
A favorite time for family visitation is big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. But as we all know, holidays can be as much about stress as happiness. Work out an arrangement that will help you avoid becoming overstressed, to make holidays the best they can be.
Start with mom, dad and the kids. If your parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are all planning to spend the holiday together, carve out a time, perhaps in the morning, when the holiday can be about the nuclear family.
Open presents together Christmas morning, and keep it intimate. Make sure you enjoy this private time, before it becomes everyone’s time together. On Thanksgiving, perhaps a small family brunch can precede the afternoon turkey and football festivities. Planning time together will help clarify the boundaries between family members.
Step 6: Recognize the good
Grandparents relish the company of their grandchildren. They can be a gateway to education, entertainment and family history as well as a confidant for older kids and teens who may have problems they don’t want to bother you with. As long as you keep open the lines of communication, the positive aspects of a healthy extended family relationship can give your children a more well rounded childhood experience. Every child should be so lucky!