Growing concerns: new parent politics…
If your ex remarries or settles down with a new partner it can be difficult to adapt – both for you and your child. It’s vital that kids get to spend quality time with each of their parents but the emotional tone you set will influence your child’s feelings. Following a divorce, a child does best when both mom and dad continue to cooperate as co-parents, supporting and encouraging the child’s ongoing close connection with both parents.
My ex’s new wife will be caring for our son…
My ex-husband has moved to another state with his new wife and the court has granted his request for our 8-year-old son to spend two months with them this summer. Our son has never been away from me for more than two nights, and he barely knows his step-mom. I’m worried about how he'll deal with this long separation. What can I do to make it easier on him?
Dr Erickson says…
You’re off to a good start by asking the right question. Your son is likely to take his cue from you, picking up on your positive, encouraging attitude as he moves on to spend some important time with his dad and develop a relationship with his new step-mom. Since this is his first time away from you for a long period, he probably will experience some homesickness. But there are several things you can do to ease the separation and help him make the most of his time with his dad.
Although you may be experiencing a range of feelings about your ex-husband’s new wife, she now is part of the network of caring adults who will influence your son's development and learning. Prior to the summer visit, do what you can to help her and your son feel comfortable together. For example, encourage your son to talk with her on the phone, help him compose a letter or email message telling her what he’s looking forward to during his summer visit, or suggest he send her one of his art projects or a school assignment he especially enjoyed.
When it's time to pack for your son’s trip, help him choose some items that will make his space at his dad’s house his own. Having a few familiar objects in his bedroom at dad’s new house will help him feel more at home. Slip a few stamped, self-addressed postcards into your son’s bag and encourage him to write you a quick note about the fun things he's doing at his dad’s. Don’t hold your breath waiting to receive the cards! But, whether he writes or not, at least you will have communicated to him in one more way that you expect him to have a good time with his father. (Children often worry that the left-behind parent will feel lonely or jealous, so these positive steps on your part can provide important relief.)
Arrange with your ex-husband for a comfortable frequency of phone calls with your son during his time away. Especially during this first major separation, your son may feel more at ease knowing he can call you whenever he needs to. Often, kids have less of a need to touch base just knowing they can.
Although you are appropriately focused on your son’s needs during this separation, no doubt you’ll have feelings of your own to deal with (just as your ex-husband probably feels a sense of loss that he’s not with his son on a day-to-day basis). Post-divorce situations are hard on both children and parents. So make sure you have good supports in place for yourself during the months you and your son are apart. Call friends for a movie or a walk or a weekend getaway. Make time for those hobbies you seldom can fit into your family schedule. You and your son will both benefit if you're refreshed and relaxed when he comes back home.