When parents get physical…
When Supernanny visited the Tafoya family she was faced with three little boys who saw
aggression as an effective problem-solving tactic. It wasn’t difficult to pinpoint how the kids had reached that conclusion – not only were they acting out the violent behavior they saw in the teen-rated computer games they were playing, they were also copying dad Jimmy.
Many studies have suggested that a parent’s aggression can affect their children’s own social problem-solving proficiency, leading them to use aggression as a solution to disagreements that arise with their siblings and friends. This reliance on aggression can have long-term effects: it’s also been seen to develop into antisocial behavior and juvenile delinquency – so as Jo Frost herself put it, Holly and Jimmy were setting themselves up for that 2am call from the cops when their boys were teenagers.
Spanking doesn’t help develop your child’s impulse control skills, so he isn’t able to modify his behavior in order to avoid being spanked
What spanking does to your child
Parents who use aggression when disciplining their children often do so because they believe it works. And in the short term it may well do so: it can put a swift stop to bad behavior. But it can cause kids to feel angry, humiliated and resentful, and can lead to low self-esteem. When you hit your child you’re effectively teaching him that violence and revenge are viable solutions to problems – that it’s OK for big people to hit smaller, younger, weaker people – and this approach perpetuates itself, as your child copies what he sees you doing. Consider these cold hard facts, all thrown up by research:
- Kids whose parents use corporal punishment to control antisocial behavior show more antisocial behavior themselves over time.
- The more a child is hit, the more likely it is that they’ll grow up to hit their children, spouse or friends.
- Corporal punishment increases the probability of your child assaulting you in retaliation as they grow older.
- Corporal punishment erodes trust between a parent and a child and increases the risk of child abuse – because it doesn’t decrease bad behavior, parent aggression may increase in an attempt to solve the problem.
- Children who are spanked regularly are more likely to cheat or lie, act up at school and bully other kids. They also do less well academically.
What spanking does to your parent-child bond
Your discipline tactics are likely to be the discipline tactics your child uses with his own family 20 years down the line. Think about the irony: you may be trying to get your child to control his anger by venting your own. In doing so you devalue your child, but you also devalue yourself – and that’s just what dad Jimmy Tafoya was doing. He wanted to be a good dad and to do things with his sons that his dad hadn’t. Deep down he knew his aggressive manner was affecting how his boys saw him – and how they loved him. He wanted an emotional connection with his kids, but knew his tactics were causing them to fear him.
Supernanny’s spanking alternatives
Often parents use physical punishment because they don’t know any other methods of discipline. As they do it more often they develop a ‘spanking mindset’ that prevents them from seeking out alternate strategies for managing their child’s behavior. Spanking doesn’t help develop your child’s impulse control skills so he isn’t able to modify his behavior in order to avoid being spanked. And your tendency to hit out may prevent you from understanding just why it is that a your child behaves the way he does and accepting that sometimes his developmental stage means he just can’t help it. Follow these tips to break the circle…
1 Set age-appropriate limits
Think about what your child is capable of according to his age and developmental stage. Yes, a preschooler is old enough to listen when you tell him not to touch something dangerous – but a toddler isn’t. Where younger children are concerned, adequate childproofing can remove temptation and do away with the need to constantly discipline them for touching things they shouldn’t.
2 Teach conflict resolution skills
Show your child how listening, verbalizing his needs and feelings, accepting differences and negotiating agreements can stop a situation from descending into conflict and aggression.
3 Model patience
Let your child see you listening to other people’s problems, empathizing with their feelings and co-operating with them to find a solution to any differences of opinion.
4 Let practice make perfect
Don’t always jump in to solve disputes that arise between your child and his siblings or friends, because whatever you say someone is likely to resent your decision. Put the problem to your child in plain terms and let him work out a peaceful resolution: “OK, so both you and Cody want to use the computer. How can we sort this out in a fair way so you each get to use it?” In this way you’re guiding your child towards negotiating a compromise without laying down the law yourself.
5 Get their input when it comes to the rules
When you’re working out your house rules, involve your kids in deciding what they should be and what the consequences are for breaking them. This will give your child a sense of control and empowerment and help him get into the habit of listening to his conscience and managing his own behavior.