Adjusting to Single Fatherhood
It’s a grim statistic: more than half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. And with children caught in the middle of the domestic mayhem, single parents are forced to learn their partners’ duties to maintain harmony at home. For dad, there can be an extra challenge taking over duties traditionally performed by mom.
So how do I do it?
Make it about the kids
Regardless of whether your divorce was messy or amicable, the welfare of your children needs to remain the focus, according to Ken Canfield, writing for the National Center for Fathers. “Every day there are decisions to be made, crises to handle, and wounded egos to soothe, and dads have a role in each one.
“We need to be there for the routine — building patterns, traditions, and memories. But we also need to be aware of things that are out of the routine — recitals, big games, tough classes, favorite toys, romances, break-ups, fears, hopes and dreams.”
One of the biggest adjustments for children of divorce is the prospect of living in a new home, whether it is a shared-custody or full-custody situation. Children reactions can vary from becoming depressed, to displaying Extreme Behavior.
Even when parents think a move will benefit children — whether it is motivated by a career change or a desire to be near a family support system — evidence shows it often does not. This is an important consideration for fathers planning their post-marriage options. Your children have school, friends and a Family Routine that is fundamental to positive growth and development.
Remember, you’re not alone
According to U.S. Census information, more than 2.5 million children live with custodial fathers. Although this pales in comparison to the number of children living with single mothers (15 percent of single-parent households are headed by dad), it is a significant and growing number.
Local communities are catching on to this trend, so there may be resources in your community that will allow you to team up with and learn from other dads.
Check the newspapers, Internet, resource centers and family services agencies to develop contacts with other fathers. Traditionally, mothers develop networks to socialize their children and themselves. Whether or not you feel comfortable doing the same, suck it up — it’s about the kids.
One great resource is the Single Parents Network. There are hundreds of chapters — even chapters that focus on single dads — throughout the country where parents meet and help each other with parenting issues. If there is not a chapter in your area, the Network provides a process for starting your own.
Develop a plan
If you are negotiating custody with your former spouse, accept that the best arrangement puts your child’s interests first, and try to put any bitterness you may feel to the side. Single parents need to control their kids' behavior with consistency.
Outline duties, financial commitments, behavioral expectations and schedules in writing, even during the separation phase. Then, stick to the arrangement. This will make changes that are traumatic to children more predictable, and it will allow you and your ex-spouse to avoid conflict.
If there are insurmountable conflicts with your ex, do not air your grievances in front of your children. Armin Brott, a syndicated newspaper columnist and author of “The Single Father,” suggests taking the high road with the following tips:
- Unless she is doing something dangerous, respect your ex’s parenting style.
- Don’t use your kids to communicate with your spouse.
- Honor your obligations, whether they are financial or time commitments.
- Share information. Everything from report cards to photographs are relevant to both parents, and should be shared.
- Be flexible when emergencies come up, but don’t be so flexible that your ex-spouse takes advantage of you. Compromise can benefit the welfare of your children.
- Control your anger, and if your anger is consuming, get some help. And try not to let your ex-spouse’s anger affect your judgment.
- Apologize when you’ve done something wrong.
Childcare
Part of planning your new future as a single father is deciding on a course for childcare.
Research is key. States, counties and cities often heavily regulate childcare providers to ensure the health and welfare of children when a parent is gone. Look into local government resources to determine if potential childcare providers are licensed, or if any complaints have been filed against them.
Talk to other parents, interview potential childcare providers, and check references. Once you have chosen a childcare provider, regularly audit their performance to ensure they are living up to your expectations.
For more information, check out Finding a Safe Babysitter for advice from Supernanny Expert Red 24.
Economic and career considerations
Single fathers tend to be poorer, and younger, than married men with children.
If your employer is not able to accommodate a stricter schedule, one that allows you to leave to pick the kids up from school, go to the doctor, or cook dinner in the evening, you have some decisions to make. Will taking another job, and a potential pay hit, improve life for your kids? Is sticking it out worth the long-term payoff of greater economic stability and tranquility at home?
There is a lot of gray area, and no one-size-fits-all prescription for successful single fatherhood. Understand your options, and make decisions that offer your family the greatest hope in the long run.