Do you fit your child?
Some parents can see a lot of themselves in their kids and feel instinctively attuned with their little ones. In other families it’s as if the kids beamed down from an entirely different universe! If you feel you and your child rarely see eye-to-eye follow our 6 top tips for getting close and reconnecting…
1 Be honest with yourself
Traits we find hard to accept in others are often the very ones we dislike in ourselves. So it may be worth asking yourself if whatever it is about your child that leads you to think she’s totally different from you. A parent frustrated with their ‘controlling’ child, who describes themselves as ‘laid back’, may in fact have a need for control in a different or perhaps more subtle way.
2 Don’t genderize!
A gulf between parents and their children may occur more often with an opposite sex child – so dad may feel poles apart from his daughter and mom drastically different from her son. In these cases, there can be a disconcerting sense of not quite ‘getting’ their child and a sense of frustration with a lack of shared interests based on their child’s gender.
If this sounds familiar, think about whether you might be assuming a gap between you and your child based on how society expects us to view girls and boys. Children’s interests are hugely influenced by what society conditions them to like based on their gender – but there isn’t necessarily a pre-programmed dislike of rough and tumble for girls or an in-built aversion to dolls for boys!
Throw gender roles aside and you may be surprised at what girls and boys enjoy that smacks in the face of what society expects. Boys can become passionate about sewing; girls can love cars and trains. Once you’ve stop genderizing you may open up a whole range of potential fun shared activities that help you reconnect with your little boy or girl.
3 Lose the labels
If you’re aware an aspect of your child that is totally at odds with what you’re like, be careful not to focus too much on it. It’s amazing how securely labels stick and how self-fulfilling they can be… a ‘grumpy’ toddler will get into the habit of sulking if he’s regularly referred to as such, and when family and friends stop noticing his cheery side the label will become increasingly hard for him to shake off.
Remember that once we’ve made a judgment about someone’s personality we tend to filter out any characteristics that are inconsistent with our views. Sidestep this selective attention by making a special effort to look out for alternative, positive traits, no matter how subtle. Reinforce the type of behavior you want to see more of by commenting approvingly, using descriptive praise; clearly label the specific behavior and the positive trait it reveals: “You did a great job of sorting out the recycling, that was very organized of you”.
Also, try to look for practical opportunities to help your child step out of her fixed role: ask a ‘clumsy’ child to help you with something fiddly; let your ‘unreliable’ little one be responsible for feeding the dog.
4 Act up!
OK, so you’ve reflected and avoided labelling… but you still really can’t summon up the energy to share your kid’s passionate enthusiasm for creepy crawlies or superheroes.
There’s no easy answer but you might just surprise yourself by trying out things you think you’ll hate. Lose your inhibitions and spend five minutes joining in with whatever your child wants to do. If you set yourself small goals (that five minutes!) you’ll be surprised at how much more bearable that dreaded play session becomes. Also, it’s often the case that your little one’s delight in your sharing in their source of fun is so rewarding that you find you last longer than you though possible!
5 Reconnect
If you’re finding it difficult to see eye-to-eye, you and your child may benefit from setting aside a special time to spend together each day during which you focus on re-connecting through simple activities and interactions which encourage feelings of closeness, connection and laughter…
- Sensory play involving touch and texture is excellent for connecting and getting close. Try nail painting, face-painting and playing at hairsalons. Don’t forget to swap roles so you’re styled and painted by your model!
- Fun with food Put a doughnut or pretzel on your finger and see how many bites your little one can take before breaking the circle.
- Shuck the socks Take it turns to try and get each other’s socks off whilst the other person tries to keep them on!
- Build trust and get close by having your little one close their eyes, while you gentle touch their face, arms and hands with a feather or paint brush, then swap roles.
6 Get support
If you’re still concerned about a real lack of connection with your child, it’s important that you seek professional help and support. A lack of attachment can significantly hold back your child from developing as a confident secure individual and can make your role as parent a lonely, overwhelming and unsatisfying one. There are a number of reasons why the bond between you and your child may be a bit shaky but you shouldn’t struggle on alone. Admitting your concerns will be the hardest but most important first step. Talk to your partner or a close friend and then arrange to meet with your pediatrician or a family counselor.